What is it
that stops us from moving on?
Most people
are intelligent. In terms of being able to look at information and make logical
decisions, most people are very adept at doing this. However, it is important
to realise that we don’t make decisions consciously. We make decisions based on
our subconscious or our unconscious. And we make our decisions in order to feel
a certain way, or at least to avoid feeling a certain way.
If this
sounds incredible, then consider junk food. We all have a basic idea about what
constitutes a healthy diet. Lots of fruit and vegetables, a bit of protein and
carbohydrates. A bit of healthy fats, and avoid sugar and processed food from
our diet. Oh, and plenty of fresh water. Simple really. Very logical.
Yet how many
of us can claim to eat like this all the time? I certainly can’t. There are
many temptations out there, all beckoning to alleviate our current moment of
suffering, such as feeling momentarily hungry, or wanting to feel social
inclusion and belonging as we eat with others, an inability to say “No” in case
we feel judged from someone else, a hidden yet nagging feeling of desperation
as we consider that there might not be enough food to go round, or the pursuit
of the ‘bliss’ point of salt, sugar, and the way the fat extends this sensation
on our taste buds. Hard to resist. And do we resist it? No.
We allow our
subconscious and emotional urges to override our logical conscious selves, and
we give in to the temptation. Have you ever been very disciplined with food,
and then given in to the urge of a thick slice of chocolate cake? Track how it
feels. Usually it is a short term high and sugar spike, we feel indulgent and
deserving, giving in to the guilty pleasure. And then, other feelings start to
move in. Self loathing and guilt. Justification that if we had one slice, we
may as well do another… or the whole damn cake.
Our self
talk can switch from being “Oh you deserve this…” to “Well another bit won’t
hurt” to “Oh my god, what have I done…” to “I am such a failure…” to “I hate
myself and I hate my body, and I am helpless to do anything about this…”, and
so on. We may hurt so much that we might seek the comfort of food to take away
our pain. And so the cycle starts all over again.
Being
trapped in this cycle must feel a lot like being stuck in hell. We absolutely
hate everything about living there, yet this is where we choose to stay. No
matter the addiction, no matter the compulsion, no matter the desire to change,
so long as we do it consciously, we will never be able to move through it. We
will just be prey to those who want to feed off our misery.
“Have you
tried our new miracle diet pill. You will lose dozens of kilos and are
guaranteed to end up looking like a photoshopped Kardashian. Satisfaction
guaranteed!*” (*in laboratory rats who are fed a strictly controlled diet
anyway…)
This usually
just adds to the hell that people find themselves in.
People do
the same thing in relationships, always seeking to control the other person
through being overly controlling or through withdrawing and passive aggression.
Perhaps if you control the other person enough, then they will love you. People
do the same thing with work, never satisfied or drawing pleasure out of their
jobs, and all the while feeling stuck. People do the same thing with their
achievements and having a sense of perfection, an impossible thing to reach so
they never feel like they are enough. Money, sex, exercise, alcohol, drugs,
self-help books, control, clutter, victimhood, martyrdom, self-diagnosis, the
list stretches on and on.
All of which
are extraordinary little boutique designed versions of hell. And people stay
there, because it is so very, very safe.
Occasionally
though, when our ability to manage our hell starts to fail, usually because of
that one little extra things that gets loaded on top of us, that is when we
really start to notice how much we are actually suffering.
When we are
finally tired of trying to consciously outwit our subconscious, then we might
be able to surrender to admitting the almighty mess that we are in. When we
can’t or won’t admit it, then we are stuck in hell. When we can, we create a
doorway out. When we are ready to admit and really turn and face how much we
have hurt ourselves, or been hurt by, or are hurting others, then we have a
fighting chance to really clean this up. When we are ready to allow ourselves
to be scrutinised and called out on our shameful behaviours, then we have a
chance to leave hell.
There is
usually some work to do. It is usually work that we have avoided for such a
long time. In our own minds it appears to be impossible. Imagine that you have
sat in a room your whole life, sitting in the dark, staring at the one wall.
What if you could turn around one day, to discover there was a light switch.
It means
doing things differently. It means doing things that you have told yourself
were impossible. They become possible as soon as you start doing them.
So ask
yourself, how long have you been uncomfortably, comfortably safe in your own
private hell. Imagine if you could find a way out? You could then take the
first faltering steps to moving on with things.
